Will there be enough?
Will there be enough time, energy, heart space, feelings, patience, love?
Will I be enough?
Am I enough right now, in this moment? Do I have what it takes, right now, with who and what I am to grow and nurture this baby?
What was I thinking? I can’t do this. This is too much.
Feelings are really really big sometimes. They come like a blinding flash, an overwhelming swell of boiling water. Thick, uncontrollable, irrational. Too deep to look at, insatiable, relentless. Anxiety is real.
We are subtly conditioned generationally, over and over again without even realizing it in often confusing and polarizing ways. Your body is broken. Your body was made to do this beautifully and perfectly. You aren’t enough. You need to be saved. Let me save you. You couldn’t have done this without me. Pregnancy is torture. Pregnancy is Divine in human form. Your body is broken. Your baby is broken. You are broken. Just think happy thoughts. One wrong decision and it will all come crashing in. Only the experts know. You are most certainly not the most educated person in the room, leave it to the people who know your body better. Trust your intuition. You are a vessel. I can do this. I was built for this. I trust myself, my body and my baby. I can’t do this. I am not enough.
I firmly believe that pregnancy is a time for nurturing your deepest parts. It is a time for unlearning, for tenderness, for your inner child. How are you showing up for you? How are you showing up for them? Pregnancy is for deep connection to Mother Earth. For reigniting and rewiring.
Scrubbing, wire brush, soapy water, bucket.
Every corner filled with tar, lies.
Every crevasse, murky water, every sludge filled memory, untruth.
Be purposeful, diligent, relentless. Call each shadowy fear to the surface. Stand square, shoulders back. Only you can break those chains, only you can walk through the vastness of yourself. Not your partner, not your parent, not your doula, not your midwife. You.
Do the work, the shadow work, the hard work. Call on the Light. Allow yourself to break, sit humbly at the feet of every birther before you ask for their wisdom. Honor the process beyond what you were conditioned for.